If you’ve been in the workforce for any amount of time, more than likely you’ve been to some sort of work-related, multi-day conference or seminar.  I’m fortunate to work for a company that values continuing education, which means a budgeted amount each year is set aside for staff training.  I’ve been to a bunch of these conferences, from one day to week long events.  Some were really well done while others I think I would rather have saved the company some money by not going at all.  This past conference was a three day event in Orlando, Florida.

I enjoyed the conference and learned a lot.  Here are some of my post-conference observations (which could be said of any other events I’ve attended in the past):

You are not as smart or experienced as you think: I think of this as the big fish in the little pond.  In your own world, you might be the top dog.  The go to guy.  Then you go to one of these conferences and reality hits.  You meet peers and presenters that have an alphabet string of education and certification acronyms next to their name.  You saved your company a few thousand dollars and the guy next to you at lunch did something to save his company a few million dollars.  Meeting other people from around the country (or world) with a load of accomplishments and accolades can be a humbling experience.

You are smarter and more experienced than you think: I was sitting at this table next to a woman who just started her own consulting company.  She was talking about a class she had just taken having to do with giving expert testimony in court.  She asked me if I ever had to ever testify in court.  When I said yes, the whole table stopped to listen like those old EF Hutton commercials. Something I assumed a lot of people had done (at this particular conference) was actually the opposite.  People wanted to learn something from me.  So don’t discount your skills or experience as being inferior either.  You always have something of value to someone.

Man, I’m glad this class is almost done…time to get my drank on!

Take advantage and don’t take advantage: During class, I looked outside the window and noticed a bunch of people lounging outside, smoking and laying out.  This was during class time.  We’re not children anymore.  There’s no bell to let you know when to get to class and when to go to lunch.  With that said, your company spends a lot of money on these conferences.  The least you can do is attend and learn something.  Yes it’s hard to sit still for several hours, but the reason you’re there is to bring something back to help you and the company.  Don’t waste it by smoking the time away.

At the same time, there are great perks to attending these conferences.  Incorporate a family vacation, go see some local sights, eat at different restaurants.  This is one aspect of training seminars away from home that I really appreciate.  If you can get away and learn something too, it’s a win-win for you.

Target your learning: Usually conferences have “tracks” or multiple sessions. If so, take the classes that are going to be of value and interest.  Find a speaker that you really want to hear or has an interesting story.  If there’s a topic you or your company is struggling in, take that class and bring something back.  Don’t take something just because it’s the current hot topic.  Be deliberate and know why you’re attending a particular class.

Limit your comments: A pet peeve of mine relating to my first observation.  It never fails that someone in the class will be Mr. Know-it-all (“In my experience…”) or Mrs. Disagreement (“That’s not how we do it at our company.”)  There’s nothing more awkward than to watch a presenter’s face cringe when an audience member starts a monologue or becomes borderline combative.  Look, we get it.  You’re smart.  You’re experienced.  But no one wants to hear how smart and experienced you are.  If you want to share something, get in and get out.  Don’t make the rest of us suffer.

What are some of your work conference experiences?

Last year, my company moved to a brand new building.  Green certified.  Flat screen monitors.  Video conferencing.  New furniture.  Everything was beautiful.  Several weeks ago, we received a Facilities e-mail notifying us that the portable control panel units (the fancy tablet that controls the room’s audio-visual and conferencing capabilities) would now be secured to the wall because of damage and expensive repair costs.  Signs posted on the walls of the conference room remind users to put these units back to save the battery and prevent damage.  But as always, there were some people who just didn’t pay attention.

I know this sounds pretty minor, but I am reminded of how work can be similar to an elementary school.  But instead of five-year olds, the class is comprised of 25-, 45-, 65- and 75-year old grown adults.  Here are some examples:

• Conference room white boards.  I respect that you’re a visual learner.  I understand you’re trying to get your point across by drawing various pictures, words and numbers on the white board.  But when you start breaking out the different colored markers and hieroglyphic symbols that no one understands, I think you might be going a little overboard.  This was the classroom artist who used to doodle pictures of Snoopy and write his name in graffiti on his book covers.  Except now, he’s using a full conference room wall to create art.  Instead of drawing Snoopy, it’s a beautifully drawn flow chart of some obscure process.

• Why is there graffiti in the building?  When you’re five, you don’t know any better.  Or you think its cool to deface property by marking your initials or the initials of your school crush into your desk.  But why is there graffiti on the elevator panel or in the bathroom?  That means someone purposely took out their pen, key or some other sharp object to make their mark.  Aren’t you a little too old to be vandalizing things?And what exactly are you drawing?  Some kind of Accounting Department gang symbol?

• At the old building, we used to have a TV room next to our cafeteria.  The TV would be on from mid-morning until mid-afternoon – playing soap operas and daytime talk shows.  Not CNN.  Not CNBC.  But Jerry Springer, Ricki Lake, the Guiding Light and As the World Turns.  Once during March Madness, I had a few co-workers go down and try to change the channel.  BIG mistake.  They told me the ladies down there quickly shot down that idea while verbally assaulting them.  Remember when the teacher would bring in a new board game for the class?  This is a lot like the same group of kids who would hog the game, not allowing others to play.

• The single biggest reason I’m convinced that work is like elementary school is the non-hand washer.  I can’t count how many times I’ve been in the bathroom when I hear a stall door open and see the person rush right out of the bathroom – without washing their hands.  I mean, don’t they teach hand washing at about the same time you’re learning your ABC’s?  Are you really that much in a rush to get back to your spreadsheet?  From now on, instead of shaking hands, I think I’ll just give a head nod or dap.

Warning: If you’re eating, stop before proceeding.

• At our old building on our floor we had one men’s bathroom with two stalls.  The year that we moved, someone who we nicknamed the “Bomber” began to terrorize the floor.  The Bomber would use the big (handicap) stall in the men’s bathroom and spray the toilet bowl and seat with his, uh, doo-doo.  When I say spray, I mean a) Linda Blair/Exorcist projectile-like; and b) The I don’t know how you possibly could clean yourself up after that kind of spray.  The poor maintenance crew.  Every other week, there was yellow tape on the stall door, like a crime had been committed there.  Everyone on the floor knew each other pretty well so we were convinced it was someone from another department.  I was thinking this was kind of like that one kid in class that would do anything for the gross-out factor (you know, like eat glue or bugs).  But then I realized this went way beyond that.  I mean, who would do this at work?  To this day, the “Bomber” still remains an unsolved mystery.

How does work remind you of elementary school?

Last year, at our annual Christmas “White Elephant” gift exchange at work, I took home a package of Slang Flashcards.  I must have gone through these cards ten times that night, laughing harder each time.

It’s fitting that I ended up with this gift.  I have a bad habit of using slang words at work.

Wikipedia has a great definition of slang:

Slang is the use of informal words and expressions that are not considered standard in the speaker’s language or dialect but are considered more acceptable when used socially. Slang is often used as a euphemism and may use informal lexicon to identify with one’s peers.

I shouldn’t be using slang words so much.  I’ve caught myself using the word “straight” during a meeting (as in “That process is straight inefficient.”)  Last week, I called a female co-worker “bro.”  I could say it’s because I’m comfortable around certain individuals but it could be just plain lack of discipline – or laziness.  Maybe I’m rebelling against the stuffy corporate-speak that I hear on a day-to-day basis.  Or it could be the 30-plus years of hip-hop music that permeates through my brain.  I realize that, depending on where you work, slang may or may not be appropriate.  Ironically, I work in two traditionally conservative and formal industries: insurance and audit.  These two fields require very formal, proper and professional language.  I’ve learned when to “button-up” my language and when it’s OK to loosen up.  Fortunately, I work with some very funny co-workers who are “down” for a little daily slang.  Overall, I’m trying to be more conscious of what I’m saying.  Here are some guidelines I’ve set for myself.

• Know who’s in the room: I’ve blown this rule more than once.  Not everyone understands slang.  For some, English is not their first language.  For others, it’s never OK to speak like this at work.  I’ve had co-workers pull me aside and ask, “What do you mean?” or “What does that mean?”  The latter question was posed to me when I said an executive was “ballin’.”  I’m trying to limit my use of informal language in general, but most especially in the workplace.

• Speak plain English: The more I pay attention to my everyday language, the more I’m convinced that I’ve conditioned myself to replace simple English words or phrases:

“Dudes are straight getting jacked!” (That department is undergoing a significant number of layoffs.)

“Man, that manager is such a hater!” (She can be jealous at times.)

So the next time a co-worker puts together a great presentation, I’ll just say, “That was a great presentation.”  Simple.

• Slang is not always cool:  When I was in 10th grade, I remember one of my classmates cussing in class.  My Math teacher, instead of yelling at him or putting his name on the board, simply said, “Cussing is for ignorant people.”  My classmate never said another cuss word in class.  I feel the same way sometimes about slang. It’s not always cool or necessary to “keep it real.”  Sometimes it can even be inappropriate, making the user look ignorant.  After all, you wouldn’t cuss at your kid’s bake sale and you wouldn’t (shouldn’t) call the CFO “son.”  In other words, there’s a time and place for everything.