It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.

– Paula Cole

For the past few weeks, I’ve been paying more attention to how I’ve been talking to myself.  So often, we treat our thoughts like white noise, like the hum of an air conditioner or that artificial noise that’s pumped into a corporate office building.  The only problem is that, unlike white noise, these thoughts can cause unrepairable damage if not addressed.  Here are a few of my lowlights:

You ate more than you planned.  You are fat.
You were completely lost in that meeting.  You are dumb.
You didn’t get a full workout in.  You are undisciplined.

You get the picture.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  We treat friends, family and even strangers so much better than we treat ourselves.  Is it because of high personal goals or expectations?  Are we trying to prove something to others?  Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Authors Steven Pressfield and Seth Godin talk about this prehistoric part of our brain, calling it the resistance or lizard brain.  It’s the part of our brain that keeps us safe by preventing us from walking down a dangerous dark alley.  Ironically, this same safety mechanism also kicks in by killing our confidence and self-esteem whenever we try something that puts us outside of our comfort zone – a perceived threat of danger.  The lizard brain likes homeostasis and will punish you with a “told you so” whenever you make a mistake or fall short.

For the next few days, pay attention to your own self-talk.  You’ll be surprised at how many negative thoughts cross your mind.  Only by keeping these thoughts in check can we hope to prevent them from quietly killing our spirit, goals, and dreams.  Remember:

There is no such thing as perfection: Everyone has flaws.  Everyone makes mistakes.  You are no different.  In fact, if you aren’t making mistakes, that probably means you aren’t really trying or putting much effort into anything you do (see Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln).

Stop judging: There’s a difference between being honest and being cruel.  Did you gain ten pounds?  Blow that major presentation?  Stick your foot in your mouth?  Acknowledge your mistake, learn from it, and move on.  Your mistake, no matter how much your lizard brain tells you, will not affect your future success.

Be compassionate:  If your kid spills his glass of milk or fails his spelling test, you (hopefully) are not going to start yelling at him, calling him stupid and incompetent.  So why should you treat yourself any differently?  Take a step back and be kind to yourself.  If you have to, give yourself an admonishment (“I didn’t prepare very well for that presentation.  Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up late to watch that ‘Walking Dead’ marathon.”) and then make a plan to do better next time.

Finally, appreciate what was good.  I missed today’s workout but I did make it into the gym four other times this week.  My presentation didn’t go that well but I did finish two other projects this week.  Yeah, I had that extra piece of pie but almost all of my meals this week were nutritious and good for me.

So the next time you feel yourself grabbing the hammer, just say “Stop!”  Make it a habit of cutting these thoughts down and replacing them with words and thoughts that move you closer to where you want to go.

What were some of the things you’ve said to yourself today?

He who knows most grieves most for wasted time.

– Dante

A friend of mine recently told me how he once played Halo on his Xbox for 12 hours straight.   I remembered saying to myself, “Damn, that’s a long time to be playing video games.”  I was thinking about this conversation when I ran across a recent San Jose Mercury News article, “Endangered Dudes.”  The article talks about how kids are spending so much time watching porn and playing video games that their entire day is planned around these activities (eat, work/school, gaming, repeat).  The result – a generation of socially-inept youth.

I would never tell anyone how they should spend their time.  Whether it’s gaming, reading a book, running, doing martial arts, or watching re-runs of “Lost,” we all have our personal hobbies, interests, and passions.  But keep in mind that there is usually a cost when we do something for an inordinate amount of time.  For example, are you now dragging yourself around at school or work because you stayed up late to play Call of Duty?  Have you lost touch with your friends and family because you come straight home, plop on the couch, and watch TV for several hours?

Time is a precious commodity because it is limited.  Once it’s gone, we can’t get it back.

There are 168 hours in a week.  If you had to estimate, how many hours do you spend playing video games, surfing the internet, or watching TV?  Before you settle down with your Mountain Dew and pizza for your next 12-hour Halo session, keep in mind a few things:

What Are You Sacrificing?  Do you dream about starting your own business? Finding a significant other?  Losing 20 pounds? Learning a new language? Unless you plan to be the Halo champion of the world, the time you’re spending on one thing (like video games) is cutting into something else (like learning a new language).  Think about this when you catch yourself complaining about “not having enough time” to do certain things.

Be Honest With Yourself:  Charles Duhigg explains in his book, The Power of Habit, that our habits are triggered by some sort of reward.  For example, drinking or drugs allows us to temporarily escape from reality.  When stressed, we turn to “comfort” food.  What’s driving you to spend a lot of time doing that one thing?  What’s the payoff for you?  In identifying the reward, we can start looking for ways to alter our behavior.

Plan:  Be purposeful with your time and plan out when you’re going to play.  “I will play on the weekends for a maximum of four hours and only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for one hour.” Or better yet, make your playing time a reward. (“I will play one hour for each hour I spend working out or reading a good book.”)

Your time is extremely valuable.  We can do great things and enjoy our favorite activities (like video games) if we are mindful and deliberate with our time.  Know what you want, where you’re going, and keep asking yourself, “Is this the best use of my time?”

What’s your biggest time waster?

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” 

– Friedrich Nietzsche

It seems like every few months, some high profile figure makes the headlines for some sort of lie.  The recent person of interest was Yahoo’s (now ex) CEO Scott Thompson who listed a non-existent Computer Science degree from Stonehill College on his resume.  His subsequent explanations – “It was an inadvertent error, I never read my internet bios.” – only served to fan the flames of skepticism and anger.

We all lie for different reasons.  To protect someone’s feelings.  To avoid embarrassment. To get away with something we shouldn’t have been doing in the first place.  It’s easy for us to read stories like Thompson’s and snicker, saying things like “How could he be so stupid?” or “I’d never do something like that.”  We shouldn’t be so arrogant.  Everyone is prone to poor decision-making and lapses in judgment.  I’ve seen co-workers lose their jobs for far less indiscretions.  One 20-year employee was fired because he submitted a reimbursement request for an expense that never occurred.  Another was let go because  she lied to our vice president about something that (in her mind) was minor.

Unless you’re a habitual liar or have no problem with lying to others, I think most people try to be honest.  But sometimes, our lies play out like an often-used Three’s Company sitcom plot:

    * Jack tells small lie

    * Lie begins to snowball

    * Chrissy and Janet find out the truth

    * Jack is caught in embarrassing situation and apologizes

The only problem is that there is no laugh track or big group hug at the end.  In real life, the main character (you) often pays the price in very real consequences: broken relationships, job loss, public humiliation, loss of reputation, and lingering questions about your character and integrity are just some of the fallout from a simple lie.  I doubt if Thompson ever thought this small inaccuracy would come back to haunt him.  Another good example is that of George O’Leary, who held (and lost) one of the most prestigious positions in sports – head football coach at the University of Notre Dame.  O’Leary claimed he had a graduate degree and played college football.  Or Marilee Jones, the celebrated Dean of Admissions for the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.I.T.) who ended her 28-year career after it was found she fabricated her own educational credentials.

Lying is a powerful tool because it can get us what we desire.  The new house.  Fat promotion.  Exciting affair.  We all know people (maybe even ourselves) who have lied to get what they wanted.  But at what price?  We should always be vigilant with our thoughts, actions, and motivation.  If you start down the path of dishonesty, think about the following:

Who will suffer?  Your spouse?  The children?  Parents?  Close friends?  Colleagues you’ve mentored and who consider you their role model?  Your church community?  Maybe all of the above?

Am I willing to live under constant pressure?  When you’ve lied, you’re on full alert and constantly looking over your shoulder.  Your wife looks at you in a funny way.  The boss calls you into his office.  The phone rings.  Co-workers are whispering in their cubicle.  It’s full on paranoia time.  Everything ties back to your lie and the thought of “Do they know?” and “Oh no, I’ve been caught.”  Do you really want to live your life this way?

Am I ready to pay the price?  All of our actions have consequences.  In getting what you want, are you prepared to face the possibility that you may lose your family, job, reputation, friends and anything else as a result of your lie?  Think about the people you know who have been caught lying.  What was the outcome?  Take those results and…

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  In my own life, I call this the “Scared Straight” way of learning (after the famous 1978 documentary).  Scared because: a) I don’t want to end up like that guy; and b) I don’t want to lose things like that guy.  This is what I consider life’s warnings.  After seeing the aftermath of infidelity and DUI arrests of people that I know and work with, I am too scared to even think about having an affair or driving under the influence.  Fear can be a very powerful tool if used correctly.

When was the last time you lied and what were the consequences?

Recently while reading Tim Ferris’s blog, I noticed he posted videos of Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford University commencement speech along with author Neil Gaiman’s 2012 commencement speech at the University of the Arts.  I never really gave any thought to the value of commencement speeches.  I don’t even remember who gave the commencement speech at my college graduation.  Once in a while I’d catch news clips of some famous person giving a speech at a well-known college, but that was the extent of it for me.

It wasn’t until the San Jose Mercury News ran the transcript of Jobs’ speech did I realize that these speeches could hold some valuable life lessons.  I mean, we’ll watch TED videos and read personal development material, so why not listen to a successful person boil down their best advice in 20 minutes?  Both of these speeches are very well done and have a lot of great insight.  Jobs’ reflection on his battle with cancer is particularly poignant.

“Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.”

– Otto von Bismarck

This is something I learned late in life.  The funny thing about college commencement speeches is that the audience is filled with bright-eyed, fired-up kids ready to head out to make their mark in the world.  You were that kid once, remember?  These lessons are as applicable to us today as they were 20 or more years ago.

I highly recommend that you check out both speeches.  But if you don’t have roughly 40 minutes of patience, here are your college Cliff notes:

Sometimes it’s better to be inexperienced.  When you don’t know any better you’re not limited by rules or boundaries.  (Experience is good to have, but sometimes it’s the experience that prevents us from taking action.  How many times have you done something that ultimately turned out great because you just “didn’t know any better?”)

Imagine where you want to be and keep moving towards this vision.  The question you should constantly ask yourself: Is what I’m doing moving me closer or further away from my vision?  Depending on your answer, either stop or keep going.

Be thick-skinned.  Failures and disappointments are bound to happen.  

Success often brings more problems.  (Like Puffy says, “More money, more problems.” This is usually part of the equation we don’t plan for.  Have you ever obtained something that you really wanted only to find it was filled with unexpected problems and difficulties?)

Mistakes are OK.  It means you’re doing something.

The single biggest advantage you have is you.  There is no one else in the world who has your voice, mind, story or vision.  (I particularly like this point.  So often, we overlook or take for granted our own gifts and talents.  We’re quick to surrender to that self-sabotaging inner voice that says “Who cares what you have to say?” or “What makes you so special?”)

Enjoy your journey or else you’ll miss the unexpected and remarkable.  (I’m still trying to learn this lesson.  We’re so distracted about the “next” thing that we forget to enjoy the “right now” thing.)

Follow your heart and trust that life will ultimately connect the dots later.  (I envy individuals who just “go” and figure things out later.  This takes a lot of courage, faith and confidence. Think back on your own life how seemingly meaningless or unremarkable events produced something of tremendous significance.  Jobs has a great story about how a single calligraphy class taken during college influenced the Mac’s design.)

You’ve got to find what you love to do.  If not keep looking.  Don’t settle.  You’ll know when you find it.

Your time is limited.  Don’t waste it by living someone else’s expectations.

The last two points Jobs summarizes perfectly.  Given his diagnosis at the time and projected life span, he wakes each day and pretends it’s his last.  The question he asks himself is:

If today is my last day, would I spend it doing what I’m doing today?

 If the answer is “no,” then you know it’s time to start moving towards something different.

Sad Sack (as defined in the Urban Dictionary):

And a human equivalent of Eeyore he was.  No matter how you tried to steer the conversation, the discussion ultimately turned negative:

On Relationships:

“My wife was such a bitch.  She took everything that I had.  I’m glad we’re divorced.”

“I don’t see my children too much.  We don’t get along that well.”

On Work:

“Management is so inept.  It’s a miracle we make any money.”

“This job sucks.  I can’t wait to find another job and get the hell out of here.”

On Money:

“I’d move away and find another job but I’m flat broke.”

“That side business, yeah, it didn’t work out too well.  The economy stinks.”

It’s hard to describe the odd mix of annoyance, anger and sympathy I had for this guy.  I realize that poor personal decisions had beaten him down to the point where it was severely affecting his attitude and outlook on life, not to mention his body language.  He moved the way you expected a Sad Sack to move.  Shoulders slumped.  Head down.  Hunched forward.  Feet shuffled.

One thing that I can say I learned from him was fear.  Fear that I might turn out like that someday if I wasn’t vigilant in the handling of my thoughts, actions, decisions, failures, and disappointments.  There were times when I’ve felt like I was heading down this path.  Here are some definite red flags that might signal you are becoming a  Sad Sack Party Killer:

No one wants to be around you: This one’s pretty obvious.  Friends you used to hang out with make constant excuses as to why they can’t.  Co-worker buddies already have other lunch plans.  People engaged in conversation quickly scatter when they see you coming.

Low- to no-energy: This isn’t an occasional thing where you didn’t get enough sleep the night before or maybe you shouldn’t have eaten that fast food meal deal for lunch.  No, this is an “all the time” thing where it feels like you’re walking around with an anchor strapped to your back.  Low- to no-energy means your preferred destination at any point during the day is in bed or on the couch sleeping.

Nothing engages or interests you: Things that you used to love or enjoy doing now seem like chore.  It’s a burden to visit with friends or family members you used to look forward to seeing.  Books, movies, social events, activities?  Nothing seems to ignite you anymore.  Everything is ho-hum.

Everything out of your mouth is negative: “He/She is so stupid.”  “That will never work.”  “That will never last.”  “Why bother?”  Probably the biggest reason that people avoid you.  No one wants to sit under a rain cloud and be told that something (or someone) is dumb or an idea won’t work (even if it is about someone or something else).

You hate to see others succeed or do well: Someone gets promoted?  It’s because they’re an ass-kisser.  Own a successful business?  Surely they’re doing something illegal. In awesome shape?  Must be the drugs.  Whatever it is, there has to be a reason other than just plain hard work, diligence, or even good luck.

If you can relate to some, or possibly all, of the things I listed above, then please get some help.  At the very least, talk to someone close to you who can point you in the right direction.  It’s never too late to start fresh.  For me, I wasn’t joking about my fear of ending up like this.  I talked to people and read or listened to anything I could get my hands on to learn how to prevent this condition.

I don’t know where the Sack ended up after he left the company.  Maybe he changed his attitude and way of thinking.  If not, he’s probably still dragging around his black cloud – depressing co-workers somewhere and further alienating what’s left of the people who still want to be around him.  Sad.

Who are the Sad Sacks in your life and how do you deal with them?